I’m trying desperately to find myself as I’ve been lost for so long

 At some point in time and I'm not really sure when, I lost myself.  I have spent so much of my life trying to please others: my parents, employers, teachers or professors, my husband and even my children some.  I've walked a line for so long to not disappoint those around me that I cannot figure out who I am. Add to this the fact that my body seems to have decided that it hates itself.  I do not know what to do any more. Add to this again that the older I get the less I like pleasing everyone else, and I do not think I should have to.  

I am inviting you to join me on this journey of finding myself again.  Of losing those things that I have taken on to please others.  Of hopefully finding my health again because of all that I have lost my health is something I miss the most.  I have no earthly idea of what will happen at this point and for a while most of my posts are going to be just me coming to terms with what has been going on all these years. Taking a look at the good, the bad and even the ugly.  If you are here to judge, be my guest to walk away now because I'm not interested in judgement. I'm not here for it and in the words of Chef Gordon Ramsay....Fuck off ! Unless you can walk on water, I really don't care what you have to say.  

For the past 30 or so years of my life, it's been wrapped up in being a wife, a mom, a daughter among other things.  I have been an animal owner (probably the one area I have stayed true to my life) of many different critters including Goats, Dogs, Horses, Chickens, Geese, Cats and now am owned by a Peacock who just decided he lives here by choice when he feels like it.  

Azul/Pete/Gary

I have gardened, made soap, spun yarn, learned to knit and weave, felted wool and more,  grew fruit, canned, dried, cooked, baked, cleaned, homeschooled, taught, learned, volunteered, and more.  I have had no jobs, been self-employed, worked at a dairy, substitute taught, taught, and now draw blood and work in a lab while going to school in pursuit of new career in health care. I desire to be single, spend whatever spare time I can with my kids, be a minimalist, try to be an artist again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to be a Grandma.  I want to squish my Corgi, watch movies and read good books again but that may have to wait until school is done (except the Corgi - I do that when he lets me!) 

I honestly have very few regrets in my life as I've enjoyed my life in many ways.  My kids are literally my life.  I could give up most everything else as long as I have my kids.  They are wonderful people and I am so honored to be a part of their lives.  I couldn't begin to tell you have proud I am of the adults they have become. I look forward to the time I get to spend with each of them. It is a blessing.  

I don't regret believing in Jesus as my Lord and Savior but I do regret some of the churches I've belonged to and people I've been friends with along the way.  I realize I have to fight against judgmental behavior and attitudes I learned along the way and I have to learn to just love people on this journey. I do regret where I am in my relationship with HIM right now as I have strayed far and need to get right again.  Something I will likely fight to do daily.  

Well, buckle up folks, this could be a really wild ride! 

DeannaRae